Sitting here in the dark hostel room, time is around one, late October weather chilling me inside out, numbing my fingers. Yes I'm numb. Seasons months and days sweep past me, I lay still. Unconsciously being carried away. Here I am, tomorrow its Eid and I literally don't feel a thing but this numbness. Nothing to look forward to. No color. Sepia toned moments...I can hear the distant thunder. Can feel the stray clouds circling above me. They say, you fall when you walk chasing the stars...I was falling, down and down, hardly realizing it. It’s the prickling feeling of loss that lingers about my head now that I can't figure out what...turning back to those ways you have traversed helps you get over, at times. I’m giving it a shot too.
I remember the counting down the excitement, that prayer lurking within the space. With thousands, I would also, join mouthing the thakbeer. The rattle, the smell of 'kari' hovering, the jostle of neighboring kids running about, the smell of mehandi which I myself wasn't fond of. Now all that, every bit of it swim back to head and I can feel that now. Yeah, those nights before Eid!
I don't lament, I just nibble on those now. The day breaks, I would wake up listening to my dad chanting sitting on the prayer rug, clamor of vessels from the kitchen and the faint smell of onion being fried. Then I know its Eid. The morning light filling the porch, that warmth so welcoming, it’s like the moment wanted you, making you breathe in gratitude and peace. Like a fully finished painting, so full of colors I can remember the Eid I used to have back home. There used to be a flow. A rhythmic flow and you just blissfully move along in all smiles. The smell of new dress tangled in the aroma of biryani that used to define the day. It was as if the whole space was triggered up into a festive mood, that there was not a speck left out, not anyone bereft of this feeling of cheerfulness. all around you could see people smiling, here there, at the porch of their homes calling us in, on the way saying wishes. The mood would linger thus for the whole day till I retreat to shower, nibbling on the events...
Well, I know nothing of the real meaning of why I'm here... All that I do, is that I keep craving for more of those cheerful Eids...
Shama Jan
